What does self-compassion look like?


Are you worried that being kind to yourself is self-indulgent? That is a common concern, but research shows that being too self-compassionate will NOT undermine motivation. Instead, people who practice self-compassion tend to have the greater personal initiative to make needed changes and are likelier to take on new challenges (Zessin, Dickhauser, & Garbade, 2015).
Are you convinced yet?! Let’s go for it! Treating oneself kindly can look like taking time and space to give oneself a break emotionally. Or, it can look like mental acts of self-kindness, such as engaging in self-talk that is positive, encouraging, and forgiving (Allen & Leary, 2010). Learning to turn negative thinking into positive thinking takes time and practice as one creates a new habit. One positive self-talk exercise you can do to help increase your self-compassion is the practice of reframing your inner conversation or “quieting your inner critic.” This exercise should be repeated over several weeks to eventually form the blueprint for changing how one may relate to oneself long-term.
- First, notice when you are being self-critical. Become aware of your inner dialogues. Begin to notice when you say or think things to yourself, such as “I can’t,” “I don’t know,” “This is too hard for me,” or “I’m not good at it.”
- Second, pay attention to both your inner speech and tone. Note the language or phrases you use when talking with yourself, but also be aware of the tone. Do you sound kind and loving? Or do you sound judgmental? Harsh? Or, like a snappy, irritable teen?
- Third, soften your critical voice from judgment to compassion. Now that you have identified the message and tone, ease or change it to one of kindness.
Learning to turn negative thinking into positive thinking takes time and practice; you are creating a new habit. One way to set yourself on a positive path is to practice "outside" of the moment. Then, the next time you have a negative thought, you will have a positive thought prepared and ready as a substitution. Following are some common self-critical phrases and sample positive statements or reframes. These include ideas shared by educators who have participated in our various professional developments and presentations. Use these as examples to support you in quieting your inner critic. Try brainstorming additional positive phrases, and/or reach out to us for even more examples.Then, substitute these scripts to replace your negative or self-critical talk.
Negative Self Talk |
Sample Positive Reframe Statements |
It’s too complicated for me. |
I will break this up into smaller steps |
I’m not going to get any better at this. |
I will keep practicing. |
I don’t have the resources. |
I can get creative to solve this problem. |
I’m too tired to get this done. |
I need to recharge before accomplishing this task. |
It’s too big of a change for me. |
Let’s take a chance! |
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